Ice-water

I used to have this boyfriend who would always order my drinks for me when we went out to restaurants. My beverage of choice is water, as I dislike the idea of paying $2.65 for a glass of Coke that came from the tap, and I find water pleasant and refreshing. However, even though when the male asked me what I wanted to drink I responded, “water,” when the waitress came the beast would always say, “Could we just get two ice-waters?” Okay. I requested WATER – not ICE-WATER, so what makes you THINK you can just go ahead and add the prefix “ICE” onto my beverage choice without my permission? If I wanted ice-water I would have ASKED for ice-water. But I asked for WATER.

First of all, what the hell is ice-water? Would ice-water not just be ICE? When water freezes it becomes ICE so there cannot really be an ice/water hybrid. What the fool meant was water containing ice. Now, I have a problem with this. I do not LIKE ice in my water. Okay, two cubes will not offend me, and usually when you order just plain water at a restaurant they automatically insert the ice. This is fine. HOWEVER, when you specifically REQUEST “ICE-water” there is a better chance that the server will put EXTRA ice into your water! So then you hear your beverage jingling towards you from across the restaurant. It arrives and you are thirsting to death and you take one little sip and suddenly you are doing the big straw blast noise because there is no liquid left – ONLY ICE. So then you have to stop eating until the waitress floats by and you must constantly harass her for refills throughout the night so she hates you and spits in your cake.

If the waitress catches on quick enough, she simply avoids walking by your table so she won’t have to grab the big pitcher again. In that case you must sit and WAIT for the damn ice to melt. You do the straw mix, thinking the friction will help heat the ice. You do the straw jab, thinking the straw will slowly flake the ice apart into smaller more quickly-melting pieces. You do the glass strangle, thinking the heat from your hands on the glass will heat the ice inside. Fifty-two minutes later you see a little drop of meltation form at the bottom and you desperately try and suck the drip through your straw to wash down the chicken wing. But the one drop is not enough to do a full quench. When you start to get really desperate you attempt the straw chopstick move. This is easiest when the pieces of ice are the ones with the indentation in the middle and you have two straws. With one straw and normal ice, you must do the glass tilt and try and glide one singular piece of ice into your mouth. But that is never successful, and all the ice just shoots down and rams you in the teeth. Then a piece falls on the floor creating a health and safety hazard. Besides, nobody likes an ice-cruncher.

But the space displacement is not the only problem the ice causes. There is also the temperature problem. I prefer water that is between room temperature and cool. When the ice is added to too great a degree the water gets so cold that the taste is destroyed. It stabs you in the throat and contracts your voice so it is all tattered and it does not make for pleasant dinner conversation. You are supposed to drink warm water before you do a speech, so why drink a big barrel of ice when you are expected to discuss your day’s misfortunes?

And on top of all the hatred for the ice-water itself is the hatred of the beast that ordered it. First of all, am I incapable of ordering my own beverage? Am I such an incompetent little child that I cannot look a woman in the eye and respond with a cowardly little “water?” Now, some girls might flutter their eyes and think this is all fancy like in the twenties when men tipped their hats, but the ordering of the beverage does not impress me at all. And it’s not that I don’t appreciate acts of chivalry – I do. I WELCOME chivalry. But this was not done out of chivalry. This was done out of evil so the big beast of a boyfriend could feel superior. And every time he asked for ice-water I would remind him that I do not LIKE ice-water, and did not REQUEST ice-water and that if he insists on ordering my beverages he should learn that I just like WATER. He would say there is no difference. HE IS WRONG!!! Yes, a glass of water is, scientifically speaking, the same as a glass of ice-water, except you can DRINK an entire glass of water whereas the ice-water has random chunks of hardness floating around in it! And even though I reminded him every time, the next time he would just ask for ice-water again! Does he not listen? Does he not care? Clearly not! If you run a fast-food establishment or a movie theatre I suggest you do not hire this man as he will clearly end up being one of those jerks that puts 10 gallons of ice in the little paper cup and then adds a drizzle of Pepsi so halfway through the movie you choke to death. Does he think he’s saving money? I’ll have him know fountain drinks are extremely cheap. And water costs the same as ice. If anything, the ice probably costs MORE because it causes wear and tear on the ice machine. LESS ice = more satisfied customers = more profits in the long run. I hope he opens a restaurant and it goes out of business.