It's NOT a small world after all.

Remember that annoying "it's a small world after all" song? Well, that song should be sued for libel because the world is not small whatsoever. It is a very big place with lots of empty space just sitting there. Have you ever driven through the prairies? There is nothing there except some random weeds and a couple of dead shacks. There is room for everyone to enjoy acres and acres of glorious loneliness. Why then - WHY - do some people think that there is no room left and that if they do not cling to the person closest to them they will fall off the world's surface?

The elevator is bad enough as it is. It is this claustrophobic dangling box that jets you around through a brick mountain. You enter this big jaw mouth and it whips you into the air and then you jump onto a ledge and it whips the rest of the people away. You want to be on the elevator for as short a time as possible, as all that's inside is a flickering light, some brown chipped walls, and a couple of ads for the United Way. And of course it is slow so by the time the elevator comes to get you there is a little crowd formed at the entrance waiting to get on the ride. So you spludge on, all tangled amidst some random lady’s scarf with a random man’s dog snorting on your foot. You beach your arm across some child’s face and lunge at the button that the big bubble-blowing creature in front of the button panel was not kind enough to press for you. You are crammed in the crunchy little corner beside some lankster man in a smoked jacket. You are going to floor twenty, the lankster is going to floor 19, the bubble-blower is going to floor 10, the child is going to floor 8, the man and dog are going to floor 7, and the scarfed woman who has nothing physically wrong with her is going to floor 2. So you wait hunched in the corner as the elevator halts and spews people onto their floors. Finally the elevator reaches floor 10 and the bubble blower bursts off, but the lanky man is still to your right. His smoky jacket sleeve is infesting your tidy sleeve. The elevator is now 80% empty, but does the lankster move? No, he does not. Even though he could have an entire HALF of the elevator to himself, he remains LATCHED to your precious inch of space. You do not enjoy being crammed in the corner, but you cannot escape. Your only route would be to step forward and around the lankster and migrate to the opposite side of the cube. But then you feel like that would be rude as that would put you right by the door and he is getting off first. So you remain snugged against this crummy man, who does not even understand what he is doing because he is daintily watching the numbers on the wall trade glowing status. So you ride up a big 9 floors crammed in the corner while all this precious space is being completely wasted! Why would you not take advantage of the space! Just like sometimes you are in class, and there are 86 extra seats. You are sitting at the end of some random row with 52 empty seats directly around you. Your lovely friend always sits beside you and you are awaiting her arrival, but suddenly this normal looking stranger prances in and waltzes over to your circle of emptiness. He could sit in any of the 52 seats directly surrounding you, but instead he chooses the singular chair directly beside you. So now everyone in the class thinks you are now best friends with this impostor, and when your friend enters she must sit in another lonesome seat so it looks like you had a fight. Perhaps a fight over the newfound stranger? So now you can’t pass notes in class and at halftime must escape the random closeness.

There are also the thrift store peekers. These peekers are delusional and think that you are a thrift store connoisseur who is skilfully finding all the great fashionable deals before they do. So as you joyfully roam, they lurk 3 inches behind you pretending to look at a knitted shawl. But you can feel their eyes twitching to focus on what size the cardigan you are glancing at is. Every time you put something back on the rack they quickly snatch it to examine it themselves. Soon you begin picking up hideous shoulder-padded blazers with stains and carrying them around the store with you. The peeker will float behind you all the way to the dressing room. You don’t try the blazers on, but instead just sit in the dressing room for 26 minutes working on the crochet blanket for your niece. Then you step out and place the tattered blazers on the unwanted rack. The peeker will snatch them up like Gollum and roll to the checkout. Finally you have had your revenge. But beware also for the Christmas tree peeker and the used CD store peeker. A good idea is to bring a sharp weapon with you while you shop. You could, perhaps, create a belt that has knives sticking out of it. That way, no one could get within 10 inches of you and many people would stay away all together. However, this could be dangerous while shopping for clothing or a child to adopt. A safer method may be simply to soak yourself in an unpleasant odour that will make people gag when they whiff you. However, many peekers are the types who stink themselves. I guess the best way would be to bring in a fake gun and a ski mask and yell at everyone to get on the floor. After you threaten to kill them if they move, you are free to roam the store as you please. You could probably get away without paying for your purchases, but I would argue that would be going too far.