You ain't cool unless you pee your pants.

I may not be down with the nine-year-old kids anymore, but I ain’t gonna deny that bedwetting is a problem. The commercials tell me it’s a problem and frankly I don’t want to research that topic so I’m just going to blindly believe the data. I feel bad for these kids and wish them a comfortable and convenient solution. However, this solution should not come at a greater cost. Over the last few years there have been a couple of commercials on TV with semi-repulsive children muttering through lost teeth that they wet the bed and they are embarrassed but now that they use new Good-Nites diapers they are all popular and cool kings of the castle. I am sure these diapers would help the average child feel better about himself, but what about the child IN the commercial? He probably has never wet the bed in his life. His parents just decided that instead of having his teeth knocked out in hockey like a normal child, he should become and actor and have his teeth knocked out at recess by the classmates who tease him for peeing his pants. The child is too young to know what he is reading and can’t object because his fancy parents in their fur coats and sunglasses can make him do whatever they want. But everyday that child must go to school with a bunch of normal kids who refer to him as “the dirty diaper” behind his back. Some people would argue that these other kids are being unrightfully cruel, but I think any nine-year-old in a diaper ad deserves to get his ass kicked. At least he has padding to protect him from bruising. Plus, this is apparently the entire reasoning BEHIND the diaper to begin with. The child feels insecure but with the diaper no one will know he wets the bed. But the star of the commercial has just announced to the entire WORLD that he wets the bed, so pain has been forced upon HIM by the very people who CLAIM they are trying to help children avoid pain! How dare the company that produces these things force children to testify for their products! Perhaps they feel having kids discuss their problems is the most effective advertising campaign. But do the allegedly good people at the diaper factory not think that sparing the life-long torture of a child would be fair trade for a slightly smaller profit? Could they not have just hired an ADULT (with no children in real life) to explain the product? Or what about a cartoon? If they can use cartoon bears to sell toilet paper I’m sure they could use a cartoon dolphin or something to sell a diaper. The diaper company is DESTROYING a child’s life just so they can sell more diapers. They are PROFITING from a child’s pain! And so are the parents. If the parents cared about their child at all they would not prostitute him to the world of diaper marketing. That’s really something to brag about at the next Christmas party: “Oh, well the child discussing his insecurities in the diaper ad is my son. No, he hasn’t done any commercials since because he had his face punched in at school and has to have total reconstructive surgery.” If the child did not wet his bed before he does now because he has nightmares of being beaten up at school every day. And if the child ever DOES see any of the blood money he made from the commercial – which I doubt – he won’t even get to enjoy it because it will go straight to paying his psychiatrist bills. These parents and the people at the Good-Nites company have basically murdered a child. They are EVIL. If my child wets the bed, and by that time Good-Nites have a complete monopoly over the nine-year-old diaper market, I will dedicate my life to hand-making diapers for my child, even if I have to make them out of my fine linen curtains and antique wedding gown. I would rather my child have restless sleep on crunchy plastic sheets than contribute to another child’s demise. Especially when the people who market the diapers are disguising this demise as care and concern for the child’s mental health. Like the diapers, I think these people are full of shit.