ET phone homeless.

Right now the local dump is being plagued with hundreds of non-biodegradable cell phones. Zack Morris might have loved his huge grey beast in 1993, but nowadays even Screech wouldn’t be caught dead with that thing. Nowadays kids need the cell phones with flashing buttons and digital cameras and mechanical arms and can openers. The phones must have the capability to download a Nelly ring tone and must fold to the size of the filling in your right molar. Now, the pioneer 10-pound cell phones are being tossed in the trash like Nelly’s old band-aids.

But the future landfill crisis is not the only fear that keeps me awake at night. The very streets I walk to get to school in the morning are landfills littered with their own style of useless, smelly trash – the homeless. As I cut through the park I am asked by a scruff with a shaky beard and a green dusted coat if I talk to God. I say no and ask God to make the man go away. I then pass a bench where a rather large fellow in a toque and popping eyes recites a little poem about symmetry. I quicken my pace, only to run into a chub woman with a hat with beads piled on it fastened with a bow who is muttering to herself about why she shouldn’t eat her toast. I was able to deal with these people until the other day when a man on the corner held a megaphone in my ear and yelled that he was happy I liked Satan because it meant God could love him more. While I have nothing personal against Satan, the megaphone was too much for me to handle. Although I have never been physically injured by one of downtown’s crazies, they interrupt my thoughts when I am pondering what flavour of tea I should buy from Tim Hortons and force me to quicken my pace when my knee hurts that day. I realize these people have mental and/or drunken problems and cannot help but talk to themselves and/or me, but it is very inconvenient. What if I was walking down the street and my future husband saw me talking to a homeless man and thought I was also homeless and thus never approached me to ask me on a date. We would never be married and our children would never be conceived. The homeless man has basically murdered my child!

Instead of proposing to send the homeless to jail for conspiracy to murder my child, I have arrived at a proposal that will save the taxpayers money, help the environment, and ease our unfounded fears of the people on our streets. I propose that we take all the broken cell phones from the dump and give them to the homeless.

It has already been proven that the homeless are incapable of making friends or finding true love. How often do you see homeless couples or homeless people at the movies? There is no hope for these people and they clearly insist on making the normies uncomfortable instead of keeping the insanity within their own circles of grossness. Cell phones cannot help the homeless achieve a higher state of mind, but they can help us normal people feel a false sense of security and avoid distractions as we proceed with our meaningful lives.

If a man is walking down the street talking to himself, you tense up and prepare to swing your umbrella in his face. But if a man marches at you while talking into a cell phone, you assume he is a successful business man and tip your hat at he scampers by. You clearly have no proof the man’s cell phone works, but chances are it does. If we donate useless broken cell phones to the homeless, we can also train them to hold the device up to their ears while muttering to themselves. So when the beaded hat woman trots by rambling about eating corn for dinner, I will assume she is arranging an important meeting with a client. And the really scary people who yell swear words will seem extra-important, as only a big CEO at a multi-billion dollar company would have the power to swear at someone without losing his job.

Not only will this ease our fears of walking the city streets, but it will improve the homeless image. Clearly the homeless are behind the times when it comes to fashion. Grunge was clearly out of style by 1995. But with trendy cell phones they will gain more respect in the community. Giving off an image of importance makes others believe you have power. With hope, if this test works out we can move up to giving the homeless unwanted ties and dented briefcases. By 2018 I predict our garbage problem will be down 5%, general fear on the streets will be down 75 shares, and respect for the homeless will be at an all-time high. And if there is one issue that is dear to my heart, it is respect for the homeless.