Rock and roll-over legend

Kurt Cobain was a cultural icon, so people are very protective of the music the man created. Sometimes someone will do a cover of a Nirvana song, which according to the “rules” is blasphemous because Nirvana music is precious and sacred. These covers will usually lead to someone who wants to be thought some high-status-Nirvana-number-one-fan saying, “Ugh. Kurt Cobain must be rolling over in his grave.” THIS MAKES ME MAD. These people try to show off by being all protective of Nirvana, but if they were actual fans they would know that Kurt Cobain was cremated and thus cannot “roll over in his grave” because his ashes are in a canister under a tree. Every time someone misuses the “must-be-rolling-over-in-his-grave” quote, the guy who invented the “must-be-rolling-over-in-his-grave” quote must roll over in his grave.

Backstreet's Back

I have had the new Backstreet Boys song in my head for five days now. That hasn’t happened since 1998. At that time I thought it would never happen again. What is happening to the world? Why have they reunited? Who is listening? Who is buying? How did Howie get all that grease out of his hair?

R.I.Pope

Alright, so now that the pope business is pretty much over and people have let their emotions settle and such, I would like to discuss this whole Pope John Paul dying business.

People were praying for the pope – praying that he’d go peacefully or die soon or keep living or something. I don’t know exactly what they were praying because most prayer is silent and most of the praying people spoke languages I couldn’t understand. But the reasons why don’t really matter. Fact is these people were praying for the pope. Now tell me – does the pope REALLY need anyone’s prayers? He’s the pope. He has dedicated his entire life to one big massive prayer. I think God knows what’s going on and has his eye on the whole situation. If the pope needs help from the sinning rabble, what hope is there for anyone else? If the pope does not have a prayer-free ticket to wherever the hell he’s going, then I think everyone should just give up now.

On top of this, with all these prayers being sent for the pope, this God character has got to be pretty confused. It’s like a whole bunch of spam in his inbox he has to waste his time deleting. Instead of praying for the pope, these people should be praying for the forgotten orphans who have no one to pray for them. God is probably pretty wrapped up in this whole pope business himself and maybe he needs some extra reminders about the everyday dying folk. The pope is stealing prayers from the needy! I don’t think that’s very nice. If the guy wasn’t on his deathbed, I’m sure he’d ask that people donate his prayers to others.

And might I inquire as to why this pope has been stricken with a disease, and is stuck in bed dying a slow death? Surely God has some control over this situation. Does he really need to test the pope? The pope has pretty much proven himself by being the pope and I don’t think he has to learn any lessons by having some illness. All it does is make it more difficult to pass God’s precious messages on to the public. Why the hell would God want a messenger who can’t relay the message? Is this really the best Supreme Being we’ve got? I mean, that seems like a pretty poor PR move to me.

And don’t you find it sick that everyone is just sitting at home watching TV waiting for some old man to die? I mean, clearly I think it is very sad when anyone dies, which is why I am developing a plan for a society of robots. But everyone’s just waiting. I’m sure at first they were very saddened by the pope’s poor health, but by the 2nd day of non-stop CNN coverage they were thinking “JUST DIE ALREADY!” That’s kind of a rude thing to be thinking about the pope. Plus, if these people care so much, why don’t they just let God do his thing and kill the guy off when he feels like it. There’s really no need standing around waiting. All they’re doing is wasting precious time from their precious lives – which, may I remind you, is God’s greatest gift. Do these people not trust God will actually let the guy die? They must witness this act so God can’t sneakily keep the pope alive behind their backs? Does it really matter if you’re the first to know the pope is dead? I mean, his status isn’t going to change.

And really, why does he have to wear that stupid outfit?

Melts in your mouth

You know when you want to eat but you aren’t hungry? It happens to me often. I want the delicious taste. I want the act of chewing the product and swallowing it. But I do not want the feeling of the fullness in my stomach. If I wanted the taste of gum or a jolly rancher I wouldn’t have a problem. But right now I would really like the taste of nachos or chips or perhaps even some funnel cake. I don’t currently have access to any of these things, but that doesn’t matter because I know if I tried to eat them I’d barf.

Someone really must invent dissolvable food. Gum is no solution because it is too sweet for the salt cravings and the chewing hurts my jaw. Plus you cannot swallow the gum. You have to sit there chewing the tasteless piece of plasticine in your mouth until there’s a commercial or you have to spit it into your hand. If you were smart you would bring an extra napkin with you, but that is the inherent problem with gum – it requires too much thought. Jolly ranchers are even worse because you don’t even get the pleasant act of chewing. You have to wait for the thing to evaporate down your throat. And if the phone rings you have to shove the cube into the side of your mouth and the person on the other end thinks you are either really sick or in a secret cave. They might not call you in for the job interview and just pretend they have the wrong number.

We need to create food that has the exact taste and texture of its real counterpart but dissolves in 20 seconds like those Listerine strips. It could be made of the exact same material, just in chip form with an extra salty taste. Not only would this satisfy many a late-night craving, but it would also prevent people from gaining too much weight needlessly. They could eat all their favourite foods with no digestion process whatsoever. Compulsive eaters would be saved.

I would also really like for stage cigarettes to become mainstream. I will never smoke a real cigarette because I plan on someday running the Boston marathon and I distrust those nicotine patches. But sometimes when I’m stressed out I feel like I should be smoking. Also, I’m not good at conversing with other humans, and it seems smokers make friends all the time. All you have to do is lean against some building with a cigarette in your mouth pretending to rifle through your pockets and some dashing gentleman will run up with a match. Then you can just stand there and complain about stuff. If you have nothing to say, it’s fine because you can’t talk with a cigarette in your mouth anyway. And I really like the smell of matches, and it would give me an excuse to light more of them.

With fake cigarettes and fake food society as a whole would be much healthier and equally satisfied. If we can manufacture and embrace wigs why can’t we make fake pretzels? The big ones that are warm and extra salty. That’s all I want right now. I would pay five bucks for a single pretzel. Or pepperoni. Delicious salted dehydrated cow meat. If a cow walked by I would actually just take a bite right out of his flesh. I would eat the raw cow fur and all. I really want a steak that badly. But it would have to be a really mean cow who deserved it. I wouldn’t bite an innocent calf or a kindly cow who tells jokes and shares his cud meals with the others. It would have to be a cow who, when people call it “cow” they mean it in the insulting way, not the definition way. I would bite that cow right in the side. Of course, I would have to remember to bring my salt along. Oh, hypothetical cow, where are you when I need you?