Melts in your mouth

You know when you want to eat but you aren’t hungry? It happens to me often. I want the delicious taste. I want the act of chewing the product and swallowing it. But I do not want the feeling of the fullness in my stomach. If I wanted the taste of gum or a jolly rancher I wouldn’t have a problem. But right now I would really like the taste of nachos or chips or perhaps even some funnel cake. I don’t currently have access to any of these things, but that doesn’t matter because I know if I tried to eat them I’d barf.

Someone really must invent dissolvable food. Gum is no solution because it is too sweet for the salt cravings and the chewing hurts my jaw. Plus you cannot swallow the gum. You have to sit there chewing the tasteless piece of plasticine in your mouth until there’s a commercial or you have to spit it into your hand. If you were smart you would bring an extra napkin with you, but that is the inherent problem with gum – it requires too much thought. Jolly ranchers are even worse because you don’t even get the pleasant act of chewing. You have to wait for the thing to evaporate down your throat. And if the phone rings you have to shove the cube into the side of your mouth and the person on the other end thinks you are either really sick or in a secret cave. They might not call you in for the job interview and just pretend they have the wrong number.

We need to create food that has the exact taste and texture of its real counterpart but dissolves in 20 seconds like those Listerine strips. It could be made of the exact same material, just in chip form with an extra salty taste. Not only would this satisfy many a late-night craving, but it would also prevent people from gaining too much weight needlessly. They could eat all their favourite foods with no digestion process whatsoever. Compulsive eaters would be saved.

I would also really like for stage cigarettes to become mainstream. I will never smoke a real cigarette because I plan on someday running the Boston marathon and I distrust those nicotine patches. But sometimes when I’m stressed out I feel like I should be smoking. Also, I’m not good at conversing with other humans, and it seems smokers make friends all the time. All you have to do is lean against some building with a cigarette in your mouth pretending to rifle through your pockets and some dashing gentleman will run up with a match. Then you can just stand there and complain about stuff. If you have nothing to say, it’s fine because you can’t talk with a cigarette in your mouth anyway. And I really like the smell of matches, and it would give me an excuse to light more of them.

With fake cigarettes and fake food society as a whole would be much healthier and equally satisfied. If we can manufacture and embrace wigs why can’t we make fake pretzels? The big ones that are warm and extra salty. That’s all I want right now. I would pay five bucks for a single pretzel. Or pepperoni. Delicious salted dehydrated cow meat. If a cow walked by I would actually just take a bite right out of his flesh. I would eat the raw cow fur and all. I really want a steak that badly. But it would have to be a really mean cow who deserved it. I wouldn’t bite an innocent calf or a kindly cow who tells jokes and shares his cud meals with the others. It would have to be a cow who, when people call it “cow” they mean it in the insulting way, not the definition way. I would bite that cow right in the side. Of course, I would have to remember to bring my salt along. Oh, hypothetical cow, where are you when I need you?